I haven’t really wrote in a while, and I get antsy when I think about it. I love writing, I’ve just had a lot going on in my life, and well, basically I’m lazy. And my brain has been all over the place, and it makes me terribly sad when I try to sit and think about something to write about because everything just runs together… I guess that’s par for the course (or adding insult to injury) when it comes to having anxiety. Anxiety has ruled my life for longer than I can remember… I have always been a nervous child, and now that I’m an adult (questionable most days), a wife and mother (also questionable most days), I find it becoming more and more difficult to just be sane, or normal, or whatever in the fuck you call it. I feel bad for my husband and kid, because honestly, I just check the fuck out like literally every afternoon when I get home from work. I just cannot get out of this funk. I’m not trying to get sympathy. I know I’m a little messed up in the head… I just wish I could be normal sometimes… that’s all. 🙂 Just trying to figure out what I need to do to get back on track…
Although my dad and I never saw eye to eye most of the time, I was a daddy’s girl, and still am (sorry ma). So, I’m gonna have to say him, because after all, I am told I’m just like him (thanks ma). He influenced everything; from my work ethic, my short temper, to my sense of humor… He wasn’t always the nicest person, and he was never scared to get his point across. One. Way. Or. The. Other… Usually in the form of ass whippins. But, I always understood not to do that shit again. I definitely picked up some of his parenting habits too. Lord help little Liam… I like to pick and carry on… Just like my dad did with us… He loves it now, but probably won’t for long. My dad always loved laughing at other people’s expense, and I’m not gonna lie, I do too. My dad also fed into my love of the zombie at an early age. He also loved to scare the shit out of us… I remember the first time I saw “Night of the Living Dead.” Afterwards, my dad got up and announced he was going to bed, then looked right at me and said, “That movie is based on true events.” I watched out the window all night for zombies…. So, I like to blame my anxiety and intermitten paranoia on him too. He taught me a lot of things as well: how to hunt, how to change a tire, pour concrete, build shit, etc. I will always cherish those moments, even if it did feel like a chore at the time. My dad is my biggest influence. Who’s yours?
Usually, I ignore them, no need to add fuel to the stupidity fire. And I swear, there are some awful people out there. I work with a couple. But, I’m glad to say I start a new job on Monday. Good riddance! I’m not perfect, nor do I claim to be, but I uphold people who act like they are, to just that. You’re perfect? Please act like it at all times then, ass. Because this girl will call you out when you screw up. Believe that. Tangent…
How do you deal?
True strength is:
Holding it together when everything is falling apart.
Forgiving when you’ve been screwed over, and mean it.
Owning up to your mistakes.
Speaking up when you know something is wrong.
Being honest, especially when it is helpful, but hurtful.
Being around people you hate, and dealing with it.
Teaching your child right from wrong. Even if they cry.
Not giving in to something you don’t believe in.
Being able to lift really heavy shit.
What would you add?
I would be spending it with my son, other family members, and close friends. I would watch my favorite episodes of the Walking Dead, “Tell it to the Frogs” is my favorite episode, followed by “A”. I would be drinking Miller Lite, and eating all my favorite foods: ice cream, pot roast, my mom’s potato salad, Red Lobster Shrimp Scampi, and the list goes on… Yes, I’ll eat ice cream with beer; I have no hangover or belly ache to worry about the next day. I would let everyone know what they mean to me, whether it’s good or bad… Hell, I do most of the time anyways. I would love on my son with no abandon. He won’t like it, but I don’t give two shits. Clara will get my zombie with my Walking Dead actors autographs on it. I would probably cause some trouble, cause hey, I am my dad’s daughter! There are probably more constructive things I should do, but the hell with it, won’t be here to see the fruits of whatever labor that is. I’ll have a deep spiritual conversation or two with those who will listen. And finally, I would take a few moments to silent my heart and nerves.
What would you be doing?
Not one person is perfect. Love them anyways.
This was a hard one for me to learn, and honestly, I’m still learning it. People you trust will hurt you, continue to love them anyways; you’re better than to stoop to their level. People will fuck things up for you, put those things back together, for you. People make mistakes, forgive them; it will help soothe your soul more than you’ll ever know. You are not perfect and probably never will be, strive for perfection anyways. And lastly, ALWAYS trust your gut, especially when it comes to other people.
That’s a facinating question…